mermaidinparis

<a style=" background: #000 url(http://www.bunkbeds.net/velociraptor/img/badge.jpg) no-repeat 0 0; display: block; width: 322px; height: 157px; text-align: center; padding-top: 150px; text-decoration: none; font-family: Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 30px; color: #ff9900; " href="http://www.bunkbeds.net/velociraptor/"> <span style="display: none;">I could survive for</span> 1 minute, 3 seconds <span style="display: none;">chained to a bunk bed with a velociraptor</span> </a>
That's right I cry when confronted with babies but give me a velociraptor and I will survive; well at least for a minute.
Just so glad this week is over!!
sorry I didn't do this right but take the quiz anyway!

 For 4 weeks now everyday(M-F) this has been my life. What was I thinking inviting the criers into my home. Yes running my own buisnesss has it's perks but this last month has left me mentally, physically and emotionally drained! My husband went to work and school early to escape the noise and I have to admit me. When I'm under this kind of stress I'm not a pretty lady. I snap at everything, am quick to cry and will stare off into space for long periods of time and yell "F***K" repeatedly when the alarm goes off in the morning and mumble like a sailor while getting dressed.  
        It's one thing for a baby to cry for the basics, I've crapped my pants, can't find anymore cheerios on the floor and carpet fuzz isn't cutting it anymore, I wish to move to another room please and my knees are tired from crawling-carry me! But the cries because I sleep in my parents bed every night and my mommy never puts me down and lets me do anything for myself and I have no idea that I might be able to actually soothe myself back to sleep because someone always picks me up at my first cry and I have no idea how to to play cuz someone always makes the toys move for me..is pushing this caregiver over the edge. Many times this week I wanted to just open the front door and set them free. But being the responsible adult that I am I didn't. Tempted as I was, I just took a deep breath and held them rocked them sang lullabies and put on a puppet show or two. Mind you the shows where about not crying and how you should bring your careprovider coffee and trinkets. I did it and it paid off. Aidan slept for 2 hrs, played with a toy by himself for 30 min didn't have to be on my hip or my lap for storytime and didn't freak out when I acted silly with my 2 yr olds!!! I had a break today and everyone was in the most fantastick mood. We did art, danced, played dress up and read stories it was great.
       My daughter's quote for the day "Look mom, Aidan's happy! Thank you mom!"

      I do have to say a thank you to an old friend who's text mesages for the last couple of weeks have meant so much. Nothing profound was said usual day to day stuff but the message tone was always heard and it  was a much needed little life line.
     And my husband who always knows how to rescue me at the end of the day.

                  Would you ever want to go back?
                  I have to be honest my first thought was to the I would haves and should haves I really could have used back in my 20's. Then I thought some more.
                  If I went back and told every unrequitted love how I felt, I would never have developed a sense of what I think romance is.
                  If I went back and said sorry to everyone I had ever hurt, I would never have developed a sense of remorse.
                  If I went back and finished all the projects I started, I would never developed a sense of creativity.
                  If I went back and showed up on time to everything I would've not met my best friend. 
                  ......did everything my parents asked me to, no sense of self
                 .......spent time productively, no sense of humor.
                 .......finished school, never would've known real life lessons I know now
                 .......got a good job, would've never worked at Tower
                If I had never gotten the job at Tower I would never have met my husband.
               And so I totally agree with a dear friend.
               YOU ARE SUPPOSE TO HAVE THE HOLLY BLEAPING,MOTHER TRUCKIN, DOUBLE DOG DOO KICKED OUT OF YOU by 
some of the most horrific "Can I please sell my soul now" in order "to buy a vowel"to make it to next week so that someone better than me can rub my nose in it kinda crap that our 20's had to offer.Well, at least that's what mine did. That's why you legally get to drink at 21. And thank god for Bonne's strawberry wine at a buck ninety-nine from Longs. 
               So, NO I never want to go back. EVER! 
               I think I finally got it together and am enjoying my 30's. I feel I can relax and take things in. The world looks so much better when your head is up. Grant it most days I need a several cups of coffee to keep mine up but it's up and life looks good. And of course there are the  OH GEEZE days but I have a different perspective and I have my husband by my side and that makes such a huge difference.
Sappy I know but life's up & downs are so much easier to get through when you have someone who is invested emotionally,physically and spiritually in you. 
              I'm gonna go tell my husband I love him now. He loves my randomness sometimes especially when the last comment for him tonight was how I think Jesus was a cannabalistic zombie. Love you is a little nicer of a thought than a holy man walking the earth in search of brains.
             

 I was raised as an only child. I learned to be comfortable being alone. It wasn't something I liked, it  just  was the way it was. 

All my life of what I can remember I was always called a "social butterfly" I would talk to anyone.

I hated breaks from school.

Summers I would tag along with churches to go to summer camp. I never believed.

In high school every chance I had to be camp counselor I took it.

Developed unhealthy habits to keep relationships as a young adult.

Choose a career where I'm constintaly surrounded and often hugged.

Married a man from a large family.

Wishing for a large family.

But now I'm finding myself slowly becoming socialy retarded.

I feel somewhat autistic in my mannerisims and social graces.

Disconected from society.

A rogue. 
A hermit.

Not a contributing member to the pack.

Herman Melville once said," We cannot live for ourselves alone. Our lives are connected by a thousand invisible threads, and along these sympathetic fibers, our actions run as courses and return to us as results."

I find blogging to be very narcissistic-and time consuming. 
So why blog or subscribe to blogs?
Simple-No matter how bouyant, despairing, frantic, or restless you have the hopes that someone is out there in web land finshing the last swig of dinner's wine, dusting Dorrito crumbs off their shirt, rinsing the floor mop, and is eager to see if anyone understands. There just has to be someone who understands. So now matter how tired you stay up half the night hoping, all in the nature of feeling apart of something larger. Something larger than what you live on this crazy spinning planet.

Therefore, I will continue to read blogs, attempt to keep one. In hopes that there is someone who understands. 

I'll keeping going to the mail box everyday hoping  that the lost responses to letters written to grandmothers, miss you's from summer camp, congratulations on first apartments and "real jobs" will wash over me when I open the tiny door to the relm of the USPS. They'll wash over me like a cleansing baptismal, pushing me to the ground from thier weight and I'll cry tears of happiness and hug the piles of paper 
All is forgiven.
All is well.

 

Sorry for mispellings I'll edit later...